fleurs mélancolie, comme Baudelaire

Didn't think I'd live this long
so a lot of good things wore out
or went wrong

Wore Out Shoes

before I could repair or fix them
before i could apply the brakes, slow down
before I paid my duns and overdues,
before I learned the proper use
of the quick-set elegance of here and now.
I lived in the past or in the time ahead
That’s where my thinking led
But in the Now I sort of almost
Basically more or less
Kind of nearly mostly
just screwed around.

With everything and everyone that
Bumped into me
or passed the corner of my eye;
Or spoke a word, or gave or took
without a thought, if any,
just fear, guilt, shame, doubt.
I never finished the book
that told me how to work it out
The thinker thinks, the unthinker gives a look
A wink a flatter - what’s the matter?
Never saw a form before without
Substance, without weight or matter?

Art and supper

Still Life with Rigatoni Rain

Lament

I look at you and sometimes you look bored or distracted but I don't have a clue as to what you are thinking, and I worry then. Other times you seem content and those are the best times to look at you because you are so beautiful then that it takes my breath away. I am a wild duck and no matter how hard I flap my wings I have never been able to fly with you.

Doesn't Count Haiku

One two three four five
One two three four five six plus
Reductionism

Having Car Trouble Haiku

Monday cloudburst pours.
Cold water soaks to my soul.
Shiver, curse, call off.

Click Here to Visit Poetry Jewels

a Lyle Lovett Tune

if you were to wake up...

Predictions from Autredamus - "the Other Seer"

Watch Out you Effers

1. Italian researchers will discover additional works of Leonardo da Vinci, including a design very much like the ShamWow. The scientists will find other artifacts related to the genius Artist, left-handed mentor of youth, and Vegetarian. Among them will be a recipe for a triple cheeseburger, bacon, mushroom and grease sandwich, sans bun, hold the onion.
2. Bret Favre will negotiate a $200,000 contract with the Chicago Bliss of the Lingerie Football League. Asked why the contract was for such a meager amount, he will reply "It's all I can afford."

the Hottest Poet Ever! - Sharon Esther Lampert

"I've Got a Doctorate in
Hot-tology"

In the next week I will be posting the first part of an interview with Ms. Lampert, as well as some of her work.  Here's an excerpt from Sharon's Bio:  "Sharon Esther Lampert is a world famous poet, philosopher, and educator.  She is the Sexiest Creative Genius in Human History. She has a POETRY WORLD RECORD of 120 words of rhyme from one family of rhyme. In philosophy, she created the 40 Absolute Truths of "The Theory of Reality." In religion , she created "The 22 Commandments" a universal moral compass for all people, for all religions, and for all time. Etc."   Check her website. http://web.me.com/princesskadimah/poetryJewels.com/THE_SEXIEST_CREATIVE_GENIUS_IN_HUMAN_HISTORY.html

Discovery of Another Photo of Emily Dickinson?

A Door just opened

A Door just opened on a street —
I — lost — was passing by —
An instant's Width of Warmth disclosed —
And Wealth — and Company.

The Door as instant shut — And I —
I — lost — was passing by —
Lost doubly — but by contrast — most —
Informing — misery —

The full story. It was reported that Emily walked past the bar to the corner. She wrote the poem in her head, then walked back to the bar to " get some paper and a pencil so she could write it down before she forgot". Was then that this photo was reportedly taken, the year 1847. Unfortunately it may be a fake. Notice anything irregular in the photo? You're right, she's fondling a bottle of St.Pauli Girl, which began production in 1857, ten years after this pix was snapped. There is no way to determine for sure that its fake. The Pauli Girl brewery may have stolen the idea from Emily - she was very clever. This may be from her own private collection. And of course, time travel may be involved though we have not been able to link her to any other known time travelers. I'll keep you posted.

Mankind in Tight Race for Top of Animal Kingdom Hierarchy

"Pull my finger Bonzo"

Primates all have their equivalent of the "pull my finger" gag.

Superiority!

I am not a shadow
I am a silhouette
Therefore I am Art
Rather than a commonly occurring thing
And by the way
How much does it pay,
being a silhouette?
As long as its a bit more
than what a shadow makes,
I will be content.

Homemade Concoction to fight Le CANCRELAT

Click .see the cockroach

You can make bug poison with equal parts baking soda and powdered sugar. The acidic bug will be attracted to the sugar, eat some powder, then go back to their nest where the soda causes them to explode, then others feed on the carcus and Voila!  Ka Blooey Too.   My question is, if we can do this to cockroaches, can we find a way to transfer the technology to say, drug cartels, or other really bad people? The possibilities are endless and disgusting.

Lead Me On

Most people are eager for someone to lead them.  The first person to step up is usually the worst choice.

(Aphorism by Me)

Another Miracle?? Le Grande Orange in a Funnel Cake!!

Rusty Staub's image in a W.Va. Funnel Cake

It's unbelievable how these things keep popping up.  Rusty was a popular Major League Baseball Player in the 1960's - 1980's.  He was one of my favorites. Perry Ansellogam paid $3.50 for the funnel cake and was asking $15 for it.  I finagled him down to $10, cause if you look you can see where he took a bite.
Footnote: If you're interested in purchasing this one of a kind sports and county fair memorabilia, I'll let you have it for $17, shipping extra.  Or option deux:  I can have the item restored to its original condition and sell it for $35, shipping included! 

5 Simple Tips for a Longer Life

Stay away from Mean People& Monsters.

I was thinking this morning on my way home from Mick's ye Olde Shoppe of Swill & High Power Beer that the popular web sites always have tips how to be beautiful, wealthy, happy, smarter, thinner, etc.  So I'm starting a feature with tips of my own. 
1. Don't spend the night carousing and then try to drive
home.
2. See pix
3. If near danger, monsters, germs or PO-PO, run away quickly.
4. Corollary to 3, choose your slowest mates to hang with.
5. Marry a Shrew.  Your life will become nearly endless (suffering and misery).
Bonus Tip:  Marry a SLOW Shrew.

Homage to William Blake - to See the World in a Grain of Sand...

Or Elvis' Face in a Pringles Can

Pete Rose On Toast - Daily Debunking

Not a Miracle, Just Pete on Toast

I'm fascinated and amused when someone finds an image of a holy person on a window or wood grain or food.  Less saintly images don't get the same publicity, but they occur as well.  Pictured is one of the items brought to last years Aphorism Fest, contributed by Ricky Toute LeMonde from Montreal.  He wanted to enclose it in glass, then sell it on Ebay.  I bought it for $5 (Canadian).  It will be on display this year, with a nice full spectrum light shining on it.

Officially Kicking Off the New Series, "Nerds from around the World, and Beyond", Celebrate Geek Pride Day - España,

 "empollón"

Geek Pride Day is an initiative which claims the right of every person to be a nerd or a geek. It has been celebrated on May 25 since 2006, celebrating the premiere of the first Star Wars film in 1977.  It shares the same day as three other science-fiction fan 'holidays' - Towel Day, for fans of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Trilogy by Douglas Adams, Star Wars Day, and the Glorious 25 May, for fans of Terry Pratchett's Discworld. (wikipedia)

Glennz - Graphic Artist from NZ

funny funny graphics    and you can purchase stuff at Glennz' Store

Word of the Day from the Encyclopedia for Creeps - FURTIVE

I have a friend who makes an effort when getting his receipt from a female cashier at a store or eatery, to brush her hand with his, very briefly, as he accepts the receipt.  The server normally holds the paper out so it is very simple to grab the end without contact, but he makes sure his fingers brush her fingers, just for a second.  He says that it gives him a pleasant feeling and believes that it is an altruistic gesture on his part.   Creepy and furtive.  I think I'll give it a try.

*Acme's Featured Mask of the Week! .................THE TERMINATED!

Ooooops!  Ah'm zo M-bahassed!

*from our collection of over 700 available masks of shamed and/or embarrassed political notables.

Back on the Planet PolyPop in the star system Procyon, Award goes to ...

Captain, b7ktt "Jake"6ryyw, gets credit for Discoveries, even though he was not on the flight.  Presented the Ceremonial Cut-to-the Quick Blade.  The omnivorous Jake will next lead a research crew, sponsored by an Intra galactic Geographic Society Grant, to track and eat a Burger King.

Undiscovered Lands - Nerds around the World and Beyond - 1.Procyon Star System

OK, üw26cL(*, when we get done with Area 51, if we have time we'll see about visiting Graceland.  Sorry 6243uryt, I don't even know where Buzz Aldrin lives.  Maybe next trip we can get his autograph, and I've told you a quintillion times, go easy on the cologne. You're glowing again"

George Takei is so Takei!

Yaaay George Takei - New Acme Mask Just In - Popular Item - Order Now

And in a related item, I 'm no longer heterosexual.  After two divorces and numerous relationship breakups, I no longer sleep with girls; they have beaten the desire out of me.  I'd be gay except for the sex part.   So now I guess I have to choose between Autosexual, Egosexual, or Nomosexual.

Yay George Takei.

After-Prom Dinner with my New Girl, Carousel - I should write a poem!

Un peut frommage, vin, et toile d'araginee

Ode to Carousel

We danced neath pale light of the moon

You shook your hair

Things came tumbling down too soon

Bugs of different sort

A pencil stub,

Some Coke, a snort,

A raisin cake, half eaten,

I’m glad that you weren’t bitten.  (read aloud as "were ant bitt ten")

Then a tiny sock,

A Catsup pack, and a lucky rock,

Nay a pebble, then 20 trebbles,

Remind me on the way out

To drive by the all night carry out,

For some bug powder and vinegar;

That smell in your car,
We'll work on getting it out.

Doctor F, a Psychiatrist, told me this one and I'm stealing it cause he doesn't believe in Aphorismism

"When I have to have surgery I try to find a surgeon with OCD."  - Me

Should I Go Out with Her??? Perfect Prom Date!

A few days ago I asked for advice about going on a date with a girl from Match.com.   Here is the link to the pix on match.com -  lhttp://mikeyandhispens.blogspot.com/2011/05/should-i-go-out-with-her.html- not bad, a little demented, just as I prefer.  Next is the link to her actual un-enhanced pix. lhttp://mikeyandhispens.blogspot.com/2011/05/i-like-her-even-more.html

Young Aphorists - Add this tip to your Fanny Pack! Plus BONUS Aphorisms!

• "Typically, topical truisms tend to tire in too tiny time, thus truism temporariness.  Universal utterings ultimately usually used unhampered."  - Me
• "Like the media writing about media, I have come to the point where I write aphorisms about aphorisms.  Self-absorption!! I love it!!"  Me
• "It is difficult to write more than one or two aphorisms about aphorisms; like tightrope without a net." - Me
•  "Italics are the aphorist's 'Life's Blood." - Me
• "If you think that me writing aphorisms is about me, you're wrong. It's about Me." - Me

(u don't git that kind of quality and consistency from uncertified amateur aphorists, especially notice the fake Zen quality.  Also please note that I have advanced enough to have all references to Me italicized.  Wow what a total aphorism-fest.  I'm dizzy, faint, and worn out! Phew! But I feel good.  I'm the first person in my family to have themselves Italicized.)

Humor on Wife - don't waste the good ones

sHE have colds and sneezes, I make her weaR mask.

She have the poor humor.  I'm easy going nice to all people I see.  "hello, chum",  "let me talk to you, young honeys"  and so forth.  She not laugh much, like when I bump head on door, then, or put shirt on outside in. Not when I make humorous wisecracks like "Dear corn chip love of mine, if you say to me that I am a Rake, then what that make of you, the multiple choose of farm implement - Shovel,  Pitchfork, or the Hoe?"  My ribs bust with the laughing.  She stare with no blinking  of the blue eyes.

the Path Taken (by me) - no way around human object.

Not Wife

Ok wise peoples, provide me the beneficial assistance.  So that maybe my next significant partner will incline my way more times.  Not my fault we unable to mix better, no.  My wife is slow learner, I learned late.  No way we could live the two as one lifestyle we signed up for.  Many, many of the times I explain  "Honey oats, you are used to years of the home cleaning, the carrying of buckets, and taking care of baby behaviors.  For me this is new thing.  It much harder on me. No blame on me.  Please sweet potatoes, give to me that ashtray."  She not get the idea - walked away, carrying suitcase and babies.  Just for reason she is slow learner, yes?

Get a Mask Instead - Fresh Aphorism!

"Hey who's the Badass in the Mask?"

"Instead of getting a Tattoo, get a couple Masks.  You can always replace them and you don't have to let your Mother know."  - Me

Go ahead and quote me azzhole!

"What the fuddle 
you looking at?"

Who am I? no, no, Who I am. period

I'm a successful Aphorist.  I've nearly completed my Theoretical Theorist credentialing.  Here's a throwaway aphorism for you.

"Writing poetry is like masturbation because it's more than likely that only the poet will get off on the poem.  On the other hand, what's wrong with a little masturbation?" - Me
 

Gadfly Speaks about Tattoos! Editorial Debunking.

Is that a new tattoo, Jason?

I've done research for many years and have come to the scientific conclusion that getting a tattoo is mostly  a DUMB thing, at least for me!  So what if its a tribal art signifying strength, loyalty, honor, etc. or honoring a friend, mom, child, whatever reason you use - there is a better way to do it.  1. any dumazz can get a tattoo, of any kind, even if you're a gimp, wimp, chimp, pimp, simp, or cartographer.  2. tribal traditions also include masks of numerous kind and significance, as well as various "treatments" of one's life giving parts.   If its the dumazz gene that's driving this and you feel like you really have to do it, then get a Mask!  I'm investing 90% of my savings into the ACME Mask Company "one for every day of the week".  the other 10% goes into the foundation for Tattoo Research.
Bad-tattoo link - CAUTION - SOME ADULT/OFFENSIVE TATTOO IMAGES -  link http://www.capohedz.com/typebrighter/2005/10/really-bad-tattoos.html

The Lighter Side (of Frederich Nietzsche)

Rare Nietzsche Smiley

Undeterred - by Freddy W-N

Where you stand so deeply mine!
Down beneath is well!
Let the dim of scowling whine:
Down beneath's but - Hell

(now there's a foglifter!)

Here's one by ME, Dedicated to the Niet-man.  I call it Don't Take Yourself so Seriously my Brother

Nice cookie duster for a nihilist

Yeah you're intelligible but

you are still ineligible to be a solipsist

Too ill and worn to be an immoralist,

No one cares but you still insist

No wonder you always seem so pisst
(sung to the tune of Starry Starry Night)

Word of the day from the Encyclopedia for Creeps - INTRUSIVE

My friend has another behavior with girls, that he uses in elevators, doorways, public transport, anwhere where its a  squeeze to get through, or you have to ask someone to "excuse me please".  As he moves past he places a hand on her shoulder and keeps it there a moment longer than comfortable.  Intrusive eh?  

Takes 3 days to unwrap Xmas gifts.

Bello Maasaba, aged 87, an Ismalic faith healer, has married 107 women in total.  Currently he has 86 wives.  Islamic authorities have castigated him for this.  Islamic law allows for up to 4 wives, each to be treated equally.  Massaba has not been seen in several years.

 If modesty is offended,
AVERT gaze to Right.  

This is the reason I'm not a Muslim or a Morman.  For me one wife seems like way too many.

Word of the Day from the Encyclopedia for Creeps - SKULKING

I may fuddle some, but I'm not a skulker. Ok, maybe a little

.

I continue to be befuddled by my friend.  "When I'm at a mall I go into stores when I see an interesting woman in there.  I want to look at her features, maybe pass her in a narrow isle, smile at her, say "Excuse me" and touch her shoulder as I pass.  Sometimes I’ll see a different girl in another isle so I wind up skulking around and around, up and down aisles until I get a clear yet unnoticed view.  They usually do notice but they act like they don’t."   SKULKING

 BTW - if I can be befuddled, can I also be fuddled?

Should I Go Out with Her???

Hi, I like long conversations over a glass of vin,  walks along the beach, stories about ESP, UFOs, EOBs, DOAs,  Muppets,  and staring into space.   As far as unusual or "kinky" things I've done, I once went  twelve waking hours without saying any words that begin with the letters "t" or "a", or taking a pee.

I signed up for Match.com and EHarmony.  Here's my profile based on the kind of woman I seemingly like:  "Looking for someone with experience at being unkind.  Must be self-centered and have only minimal compassion for others.  Must be generally inconsiderate, unappreciative, and  believe in the "what have you done for me lately" type of conditional love.  Must have Valid Driver's License. " I got a response from  the Mademoiselle pictured above  Should I go out with her?  Should she go out with me??

Proof of Aliens Visiting Earth - The WTF Creature, Commonly Named "Platypus"

Maybe to you I make no sense.  My Sweetheart understands me.

 The bizarre duck-billed, beaver-tailed, otter-footed mammal baffled naturalists when they first encountered it, some considering it a fraud. A mammal that lays eggs.  A poisonous mammal with more than a dozen types of toxin. It has the power of of electrroreception to detect electric fields generated by their prey.  Proof of alien encounters -  they must have tried to teleport several animals at once and all the parts got scrambled.  Either that or they invented it.    This will be proven if in the future the Platypus develops flight, digital communication,  and wheels.

The Real Axis of Evil - Send Them Back to Algebra or Wherever it is They Come From

"There would be a lot less problems in this world if we could just get rid of the mathematicians." - Me

Friday Fact - "Hurry, test me now, Officer"

 

Humans are innately unable to walk in a straight line without sighting a marker in the distance.

The Gadfly (superhero) Looks at Stuff

            How about a Senior's Driving Lane?

There’s hardly a fast food chain in the country that doesn’t offer a “senior discount” on coffee (senior’s size = small).  What’s that about?  Just cause a person made it to a certain age does that entitle them to hero status?   I think it hearkens back to the old days and the Holy Book(s)' entreaties to care for and respect the elders.  But today it is meaningless and only to make it seem as if we honored our elders. It's a fake honor!  If it were genuine there’d be a senior discount on food, clothes, cars, rent, utilities, doctors, someone to mow the grass,  free linement, or something that really mattered.  A small cup of coffee!! WTF!!  Please make sure to put that in my Obit - "During his long life in the Temporal World, Mikey the Aphorist received many honors, including a discount on Lattes at Dunkin Donuts, as well as a free diet coke with the purchase of a Double Whopper and Fries at BK.   He is survived by two cats, a canary, a mixed mutt, lots of debts, and...etc."

I Like Her Even More!

My tastes and interests are eclectic.  I like crawling under houses and between walls of old buildings.  I like cute little un-nurtured puppy bones and cobweb cones.  Mildewed art works interest me and I have a small collection