Martialis Heureka - More Bunkery from the Professors running Amokery!

Ant from Mars

Christian Rabeling spins and reels to make a name in the Scientific community but it may not hold up under scrutiny.  He claims that he found a new living species of ant in the Amazon Rain forest that simultaneously "represents (the) Oldest Living Lineage of Ants."   OK Boss how can it be both old and new?  And who gave you permission to pluck this fella from his home?  What if we all did that?

More Scientific run Amok-ery about Humans and Neanderthals - Amazing!

Scientists have discovered glyphs (in W.Va.) showing that Neanderthals and Humans shared restroom facilities, as well as DNA.

Spleen has come up with a plan to improve Education.

Spleen has come up with a plan to improve Education.

Item Two - Truth Trumped by Tireless True Trust, again.

l-r Candy Sparkler; Merrily Inhiding; Groin Groan; Bambi Nutz;: Nex Twife

While I believe that Belief  trumps Truth every time, and find this "fact" about sexing with Neanderthals disturbing, my chum Spleen always gives things a positive spin.  Distorted thinking for sure but I owe him some favors so I'll help him a little.  He thinks this Neanderthal/Homo Sapiens interbreeding opens up business opportunities.  He's started a Neanderthal Lovelies Dating/Bridal Service.  Here's a few he's lined up.  I tell you I was aghast at first but I went on a couple dates and found the gals quite interesting and easy to please.

Item One - Lonely Humans...and bad case of Grog Goggles!

"What do ya say to a little DNA?"

Some of us have Neanderthal ancestors, according to run-amok-ery scientists. About 80,000 years ago or so, in and around Europe, the Middle East, and Asia.   A couple of Homo Sapiens fellows were out on the moors and well into their grog and ran into the Yougly Twins, who were dolled up in ocher and red mud with mid thigh skirts.  The guys invited them back to their hovel to look at their stone tool collection.   The rest is history or rather, DNA.

"Yeah, we've been open 3 weeks and not a 
single customer.  I don't understand it!"

If We are the Product of our Experiences, then...?

Hmmmmm.....

By the time you are 30, on average, you will have spent as much time eliminating as learning in school.  We're not talking about taking a bath, shaving, or applying makeup, we're talking about toileting related activities.  Consider this in light of the notion that who we are is comprised significantly of what we do and have done, and how we spend time.  I see marketing possibilities..

Patricia Churchland, today's featured scientific run-amok-ery: a woman Philosopher!!

Her E-Harmony Pix

She is a neuroscientist (no problem there) and a philosopher (what? a woman philosopher!!) who has long held that morality is programmed into us neurologically. Any moral philosophy which ignores that item, is hogwash, or as she puts it (like only a philosopher can) "vacuous".   She then goes on to use a science word to explain our moral behavior - "its Hardwired".  She is Canadian which explains some of this.  I hope her husband doesn't read this.  He might pop me one.

"MME Curie, you look as radiant as ever!"

How much time do we spend in school on average?

Can I go to the Bathroom?

If you calculate based solely on the hours and years scheduled, it's something like @683 days on avg by the time we're 30.   This is based on a 180 day instruction schedule and 7 hrs per day.  How much time do we spend learning?   Take away lunch break, study hall, assemblies, pep rally's, home room, disruptions of various sorts (eg. bird got loose in the room; someone's puking;  teach is hungover, etc ), not paying attention, poor instruction, substitute teachers, getting out to work on the yearbook, travel for games, etc, the figure is considerably less, by about 25%.  These figures are for USA.  Some countries spend much more time in class and/or in supplementary classes.  In some other countries, large segments of their population receive little or no education.

What is the Significance of This? Soon we will find out.

Hmmmmm.....

Perfume and Cologne scents Thomas Edison devloped that never made it

Happy Father's Day All!

My Dad admired Thomas Edison for his non stop trial and error work ethic. He liked how Mr Edison kept working in spite of often failing.  My Dad told me that one of the inventor's less well known flops was Aromas for the Rest of Us, a misguided effort to enter the niche smell markets.   Some of the tested aromas:  Boot Camp    Ear wax    Beefsteak tomato    Hot engine oil    olde Antifreeze   Burp    Girls Toes    Bottom of the Purse     used Seat Cushion     Unwashed Hair     Elbow grease    Litter Box     Cow Patty     Young Shirtless Vagrant      Chocolate milk       Inside of condemned house     Very hot day vacant lot     Melting blacktop     Scabs and road rash     Fruit cellar     Overheated wiring     Burnt cheese     Beer spilled in ashtray        Whiskey spilled on car floor      Baby belch     Chili dog    Sugar glazing     Ozone   raw Green beans     Donut dough

Scientists Discover "Pile of Rags" at Center of the Galaxy!

Scientists at the Deep Space Photo Lab have discovered a new object at the center of the Milky Way.  When asked for an explanation the Lab's Chief of Operations, Ronmak Urga, stated "It's rather just a pile of rags in Space."

Nemesi

 If nearly everyone has a nemesis and there are 6 billion people on the planet, even if a nemesis worked with more than one customer, there is a good chance that I am someone's nemesis.  Hardly anyone admits to having one nor talks about their nemesis, nor admit that they are a nemesis, and I don't know if I am a nemesis or nemesi or not, and if so to which customer(s) I am a nemesis.  If you have any information about the state of my nemesitude contact me, please.  I sure would like to know so I can be the best nemesis I can be.

Autredamus Predicts - Closest Star to Earth, Betelgeuse will go SuperNova and then go mega Ka-Boom!.

I'm joking, Dumass!

another Quicktrain from Autredamus, the Other Seer

When snow falls at the meridian

And another sun comes out and nae go inagain

Anxious punters lose hope, yet they can winagain

Invest in SPF 500 till the numbers go numb

In Ray Ban for those who get ready to scrum

And in Popsicles, slurpies, HVAC,

 and ice cream flavor of vanilla rum.

International Conspiracy of Scientific Practitioners meet in Greenland

"I didn't know it would be so goddamn cold here"

 Nuuk, Greenland.  A scheduled five day event was changed to a three day conference, yet Scientists reached agreement on a landmark theory, essentially confirming that "nothing in the universe is either good nor ill but thinking makes it so". `

Kurt Godel's Proof of the Existence of God, with Commentary by WJ Clinton

The actual proof was posited in Modal Logic but can be summarized, as by io9.com "God can either necessarily exist, or necessarily not exist. If God is an all-powerful being, and he exists, he necessarily exists in all possible worlds. If he doesn't exist, he necessarily doesn't exist in any possible worlds. It is not possible to say that God does not exist in any possible world. No matter how slim the chance is, God might exist. That means that God can't necessarily not exist. Since the choices are either God necessarily does exist, or necessarily doesn't, and we have eliminated the possibility that he necessarily doesn't, the only possibility left is that he necessarily does."  (To exist is "is" or "it exists" to some.  There are times however when "is" doesn't mean what you think it means.  I'm not sure how that affects the proof.  WJC)

I was just about to say that!

Autredamus (the Other Seer) Predicts!

"Fracking drug laws will be modified soon.  Mary Jane becomes legal for recreational use."

And None too Soon

Scientists Race to Slow Down Time

I'm telling you the scientists are running amok!  Now I read that they have created a new type of matter just so they could slow down the speed of light to that of a mini-van in traffic.  This raises all kinds of questions in my mind, number one being WHAT good is that?  Why a mini van, why not a motor scooter or a bicycle?  Why not a cheetah? or a greyhound or a filly?  My granmaw drives at 50mph.  I drive a sedan that goes more than 38 most of the time; am I going to be driving in the dark now? Einstein (another pretender) said that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light.  If so then everyone is gonna be late for work @ 38 mph. Cops will be at a disadvantage in hi speed chases.  If Einstein is wrong about this, what else did he screw up?  By him, in order for time travel you gotta go near the speed of light.  If I can time travel with the change in the speed of light, I'm gonna go back and let the air out those scientists tires before they get to work.  The intelligent design folks are looking better and better all the time.

Six tips for an Improved Life (Warning: not to be read when depressed, tired, ill, busy, content, bored, or driving.)

1.  Run the Day “Either you run the day or the day runs you.” ~Jim Rohn   (and if I have the Runs what do I do?)
2. Progress is Progress “Even if you fall on your face, you’re still moving forward.” ~Victor Kiam  (Into the ground is NOT  particularly "forward", is it.  I call it moving down.)
3. Expect Problems “Expect problems and eat them for breakfast.” ~Alfred A. Montapert  (I didn't realize that it was so simple.  Tomorrow's bkfst - bipolar wife-donuts; arthritic knee soup; hate on toast; and a cup of hot zero fuggin money.)
4. Get into Action “Do you want to know who you are? Don’t ask. Act! Action will delineate and define you.” ~Thomas Jefferson  (well, let's reflect on today's actions - I'm a jag-off, screw-up, whiner, pervert, deadbeat and layabout, so far at least what I'm willing to admit.  maybe tomorrow will be better.)
5. Think Bigger “Go big or go home. Because it’s true. What do you have to lose?” ~Eliza Dushku  (we're nearly on the same wavelength. I'm going for a big fug-gin pizza and a quart of Jack; then I'm going home.")
6. Balance “Follow your dreams, work hard, practice and persevere. Make sure you eat a variety of foods, get plenty of exercise and maintain a healthy lifestyle.” ~Sasha Cohen  (forgot to add:  say your prayers, stay in line, pee in the bowl, fart downwind, use a prophylactic.)

From article by Mr Self-Development. He’s written many, including “Are you addicted to self-development?”  Comments are mine.

The Golden Ratio - Phi - What is it Good for? Absolutely Nuttin.

Supposedly since creation of the universe (4000 years ago, yes) there is a number that determines how a sunflower’s seeds grow, how the veins arrange on leaves,  it determines the path a hawk takes when diving at it’s prey, it is echoed in the breeding habits of rabbits and it even determines how the spirals in a spiral galaxy are laid out. This is just the tip of this Devil-induced hysterical use of 1.6180339887 οr Phi ().  As its also used in music, geometry, writing, industry, finance, blah blah.  Its also used in art and painting.  Many times I've debunked the idea, by making lousy paintings, even though I followed the Golden Rule.

Security Update - Immediate Action Required!

Another case of one step forward two steps back.
I'll be glad to assist you - for a fee.

If your password to key accounts is something like "221&b%$x09" you probably think that no one could guess that, right?  Think again.  Hackers now have access to computer hardware and software that can try NINE MILLION iterations per minute.   A ten digit pw with characters and numbers like the one above is an Easy Hack.  But don't despair.  There is an easy fix.  All users are requested to change their Password as appropriate to a 4,000 digit entry using combinations of letters, numbers, at least 5 different alphabets, glyphs, Mayan gibberish, and social security number.  Furthermore, change your PW every 2 weeks.  If you have really sensitive stuff to protect, use a password of 10 to the sixteenth power number of figures and you should be good for awhile. 

Father's Day Gift Ideas!!

Does Research and Study Prove that The Devil, Beealzbub Himself, Invented Science?

"Don't Think - Just Believe!"

My first official act as newly hatched Theoretical Theorist, is to put my Imprimatur on some strange happenings, new discoveries and beliefs, and the final debunking of Science (hereafter expressed as Schmience).  Let me lay in front of you the items of interest.  In the next few days I will scare the bejesus out of you with my ideas.  These include such things as "Scientists discover new matter." "Scientists slow the speed of light to that of a minivan."  "Scientists posit idea that some black holes are older than time itself."  "Scientists create ear from arm skin cells." "Scientists discover alien Sun no hotter than a cup of coffee.".  "Scientists clone sheep; raise frog from tadpole; discover hobbit skeletons; etc.  And plenty more ideas that will have us racing to put the millions of science "facts" back into the Theory Drawer once and for all!

Pomeration

Portrait of No One
.

My claim to lame

Is that I’m never the same

In church I sometimes pray, shouting them out

at odd times, when its silent or just about

It wakes up the dead and sinners they say.

If I knew that before I might have done it for fun

And in the future I still may.

I will go  but no one can predict which way

Or what I will do

Or what I will chew

Unrelated in every way to best that we knew

I eat hot dogs with a spoon, ditto burgers, linguine, the occasional bear claw

I grind up potatoes and sip with a straw

Naw I absorb it through my pores

My shoes I carry over my shoulder

And barefoot I hop from boulder to boulder,

Naw, not now that I’m older,

I pay someone to take the job over.

My heroes are all skinny, too tall, or too fat

They come to visit but don’t know where I’m at,

Naw, don’t know where I am

I in the bread drawer, camouflaged in jam.

When they get hungry they find me so easy

But turn away when they see that I'm sneezy.

Are Scientists Going Nuts?!

 More and more strange events are happening in the name of so-called "science".  Look at this monstrosity:

Was Starfish DNA implanted into Twizzlers?

There is no explanation given but undercover investigators are working on the case as this is being written.

More Questions Face the Vatican as Friar Twins Die on Same Day

NY-born twin friars die on same day at age 92.  Allegedly identical twins Julian and Adrian Riester were both Friars and worked most recently at St Bonaventure University, dedicating their lives to Service.  There are a number of questions raised by their passing, though.  If they were so close, then why did Adrian not attend Julian's Funeral?  Was it related to his fear that his brother, slightly shorter and never more brilliant than Julian, was truly a clone, always hogging the limelight, or in this case the humility?  The Vatican has refused to comment and we all know what that means.

Exotic Wildlife!

In a related story to Rat Eating Plant scientists have been encouraged and continue to look for a pitcher plant that will devour mean people and creeps, but not skateboarders and pets.

Keep Your Home Pest FreeThis Summer

A Couple of These In the Backyard and One or Two out Front

A carnivorous pitcher plant that eats rats and insects has been discovered in the Philippines and named after Sir David Attenborough.   Asked for a reaction to the honor, Sir David  replied "It bugs the piss out of me.  I was hoping I'd get a school or a street or something."

Safety Tips for Summer Vacation Fun - Stay Clear of Doppelgangers!

So I'm going to Hell then?

The vision of a doppelganger has long been considered a harbinger of death. Many famous persons (e.g. Abe Lincoln)  have seen their own doppelganger or a relatives prior to their death.  The custom of covering mirrors with cloth after a death in the family has its roots in the superstition that the spiritual double of anyone passing by the mirror might be projected into the glass and carried off into the underworld.  (excerpted from tai carmen, parallax)

Ben X, not a pain reliever for inflamed parts but a movie.

I recently watched a Belgium movie titled "Ben X", which I thought was pretty good except they didn't speak no English so I had to stop it every 3 seconds to look up what the words meant.  It was worth it or as they say in Brussels "super".  One line I liked was this "you have to learn to feel before you can feel love," And to conclude I give you this Dutch phrase "tot ziens!"  Btw, they speak 3 official languages in Belgium so nobody really knows what the hell anyone is saying, so I want to visit there.

My Aphorism Muse is Working Overtime

"Isn't it kind of stupid to put a sign on your fence or front door that says "Beware of Dog", if you don't have a dog, in an effort to keep away burglars and solicitors.  Wouldn't it make more sense if you were going to lie about a warning,  to put up a sign that said something like: "Danger, Domicile Under Bio-Hazard Quarantine" or"Caution, E-Boli Outbreak" or "Warning - Radioactive Waste Dump Site" or "Anthrax for Sale"  or  "Come On In - the Poetry Reading is About to Begin."

Danger Will Robinson!

Take a Break, Do Not Worry, This is Not a Poem; it's a Fresh Aphorism

"A bureaucracy is a place where you are far more likely to get fired if you come in late than if you deliver sub par service to your customers."  - Me

A Tie is Required Cause We're Gonna Tie You to Your Desk

Poet Continues on Quest to Find Rhyme for Orange!

"Nice Try" says the orange.

i have a sponge
i keep it in the fridge next to the orange
the only reason i bought it was,
to nearly make the rhyme that Never was,
and as best I can to establish
a systematic plan for washing the radish.

Aphorism Related to My Body and My Soul

My Body and My Soul
"My body is pretty well worn out.  What does that say for my Soul?"  -  Me 

"A Soul's health is determined by how much dirty laundry has been thrown into the basket and still lays there,  metaphorically speaking. -  Me

Do I Need to Wear a Prophylactic to Graduation?

Graduate, don't terminate (unless u r a pathogen) Dr David Bishai and a team from Johns Hopkins studied graduation ceremonies to determine the likelihood that pathogens would be transmitted from all the hand shaking that goes on during the ceremony.

"0.019% probability of acquiring a pathogen per handshake".
Should I be worried?  Naw, I always carry protection.

Job Opportunities Down (for bearded men in Brazil). Alaska is another story altogether.

Brazilian researchers studied "bearded men".   In Study 1 beardedness was associated with older age, greater responsibility, and leftist political ideas. In Study 2  Brazilian personnel managers  who made hiring decisions at different companies in the city of Sao Paulo, preferred clean shaven over bearded, mustached, or goateed men.  Bearded ladies fared considerably better in both studies.

Merde! I thought it made me look distinguished

"Is there some place I can hang this up?"

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."  - Garrison Keillor gets credit but it's an ancient concept.

Actual Photo Of  Soul and its Body.  What'd you think it'd look like? and BTW this is the image of a soul right after Sunday morning Services.  Next Saturday morning it will be significantly dimmer, if the body gets a date for Friday night.